My Diagnosis

I'm diagnosed with bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified). When I first heard it, I couldn't believe it. I have an uncle who's also bipolar and he doesn't have a life; he has a disorder. I thought my life was over.

I always knew I was depressed. Over time, I've seen that I really do have manias. My symptoms aren't extreme and are well-controlled with my meds, but I've decided that my pdoc is right. I'm bipolar.

It's hard to accept that kind of diagnosis. I was scared. I still am sometimes, and I try to tell myself that it's not true. Sometimes I don't want to take my meds. I never understood why people were noncompliant (refused to take their meds). I thought they were being stupid. But sometimes it just seems like if I don't take them, I'm not sick.

I know that's not true, but my fear makes my brain lie to me. I think that if I ignore it, it'll go away. Or that my docs don't know what they're talking about. Or that I'm subconsciously faking it. I don't know where the ideas come from, but I know they're just ways to try to skirt my diagnosis.